What began as a childish chant from my grandchildren, became a meditative black hole for the grandmother. What is a black hole from the perspective of this non-intellectual woman? Simply put, it is an unending depth of darkness that doesn't seem to have one slight ray of light. And meditating (some would say, "thinking too much") on it takes all the energy I have, and I still don't see an end.
While my grands were only teasing when they called me "Proud", I began to think and see all the ways my thoughts centered on me. Everything I think is geared to me. I even go so far as to think (as though I know all things) what other people around me are thinking. What do I base it on? Being slighted by looks, tones, words and in general, everything that keeps me insecure. I had no idea to the depth of what my pride is capable. And here I am, a Christian, a woman of God, a lover of truth in the Bible and all it seems I have to show for it, is an outside facade that hides a nature of sin that I had not been aware. I mean I knew we are all prideful, to a degree. But looking deeper, (or meditating) I realized my whole world IS the world. And that in itself, is wretched self-centeredness to its core.
Awareness is knowledge or perception of a situation or fact. I see this in three areas that all come together to either change someone for the good or allow a continual cluelessness to what's really true about oneself. First is the awareness of others. Is my awareness of people, as a believer in Christ, changing me from me to Him? Do I love them unconditionally or feel threatened by them? Or is awareness allowing the perpetual selfishness to ruin me like a bad disease? The second area is awareness of all the avenues of selfishness that exist in me. What will I do with this? Slink into depression, "oh woe is me?" Or accept this existence and get to work on eradication through the cleansing power of God's Word? And third, awareness that God knew all along of the depth of my sin; everyone's sin. But He still died for us and sought us. He has made that clear from the get-go. Have I built such a pedestal for me in my spiritual prowess that I've become blind AGAIN to the truth? (This black hole just gets deeper and darker.)
While I could go on with this, as I have now for about a year, I praise God. He called us out of darkness into His marvelous light. This is a fact that is just reiterated by my awareness. The very privilege of being appalled is His gift toward the change that needs to take place. As He allows us to see, let us not go so deep as to despair, but deep enough to keep us humble and perpetually alert to the danger of secret sin. I'm so thankful to my Precious Savior Who shepherds me back to the fold, shows me my sin, and brings me to my senses and His security. He is the Creator. And He is in control of all "black holes" which can cause us to lose our way for a moment. But He is only a call away. And with His presence comes an illumination that eradicates sin and all black holes. "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
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